my world just crashed on me.

just last weekend, i faced a trashing session from my parents.. with all my weaknesses revealed. its already hurting enough having both your parents up against you, but things had to get worse today.

badly scarred from the family's conflicts, my self esteem was already half gone. i despised my own character and feel so useless. plus all that stress from those countless school work and exams... everything turned grey. and then i put all my hopes on my last support- him.

endless remedials and make-up lectures are eating up all of my time. late dismissals really make me feel unmotivated and lethargic everyday, until i finally could have an early dismissal; tomorrow. you can imagine how eager i was to spend the day out with him, to have company and moral support... relax with good food and enjoy time together. i was practically dying for tmr to arrive.. my life now is just like some prison and i cannot take it anymore. any moment i may burst.

but then things had to take a turn. he confessed about yet another weakness of mine. at my most low-down mood, my sole support left, chose to tell me those. i swear i was so hurt that my heart almost tore. just as my hopes of the upcoming enjoyment went sky high, it had to drop down low. i took a step back of self-trust in my parents, hoping to take a step forward to him. but now i took two steps back. i'm taking steps back from everyone... withdrawal from trusting myself to anyone.

only by being alone, will i not be hurt any further.

no photos for the past few days. i will never capture myself with those ugly swollen eyes of mine. today those tears were gushing, but i had to stop them no matter wat. putting up strong front, but deep inside, the fragile soul is silently weaping.

even my therapy will fail to work. put me at cheesecake cafe now and give me a slice of my favourite blueberry cheesecake... and you wouldn't expect a smile. i would eat it, probably with slow emotionless bites. like i've said, i took 2 steps back from everything... including my fetish for desserts. i believed having an icecream waffle during break time just now could make me feel better, but i also refrained from that. until when, i don't know. i will follow my heart and see how things go.

one more blow and its the end... i would reach the maximum. this is the next downturn of my life that i will never forget. a permanent scar.

-of elaine's most loved-ones giving up on her. helplessness. i wish i could hug my grandma now.